Service to our country is an honorable profession that should be taken seriously, but even military servicemembers need a good laugh. In fact, they may need it the most! Below is a collection of funny military quotes from former service members, comedians, and military journals and manuals.
“When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.”
Richard Claxton “Dick” Gregory’s (1932-present) career in comedy started when he got drafted into the U.S. Army in 1954. He entertained his fellow servicemembers at his commanding officer’s insistence and won several talent shows. After being discharged, he moved to Chicago and became one of many African American comedians who broke from the minstrel tradition which features stereotypical black characters.
“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
– U.S Air Force Manual
“If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn’t plan your mission properly.”
David Hackworth (1930-2005) was a military journalist and former U.S. Army colonel decorated in both the Korean and Vietnam wars. He created and led the Tiger Force, a military unit formed in South Vietnam that used guerrilla tactics against the Viet Cong guerrilla fighters.
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
– Infantry Journal
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”
General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964) is best known for his command over the Allied Forces in the Pacific Theater during WWII. He became the Chief of Staff of the U.S. Army in 1930, and was chosen as military adviser to the Philippines by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
“If you see a bomb disposal technician running, try to keep up with him.”
– U.S. Army ordnance manual
“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.”
A. Whitney Brown (1952-present) is an American writer and comedian known for his comedy writing and appearance on Saturday Night Live during the 1980’s.
“If your attack is going too well, you’re probably walking into an ambush.”
– Infantry Journal
“Out here, due process is a bullet!”
Col. Mike Kirby, played by American actor John Wayne, made this statement in the 1968 film The Green Berets. Set in Vietnam, the film was loosely based on the 1965 book by Robin Moore.
“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.”
– Infantry Journal
Whoever said the military didn’t have a sense of humor? Share with us your favorite funny military quotes, jokes or stories! And to learn more about the military, visit our blog.
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